...AND ANOTHER ONE

So Badru is one of my BEST friends!! He & I talk every single day about absolutely nothing. If I’m in trouble, I call him. If I need some REAL advice, I call him. If I need someone kidnapped, thrown in the trunk, and tossed in a basement, I most definitely call him!! (For those of you who know “Bad” understand why).
Anywho, I always make jokes at him saying that he wants me to be single forever. (Kind of how Tony Montana felt about his little sister Gina) Bad swears this is not the case and said that he had the perfect guy for me. He had a friend who looked just like Omar Epps. OMAR EPPS??!! You mean my crush from the early 90’s til today?! Half my life I wanted DJ GQ (omar epps not kristopher cottrell).
“Ok”, I’m thinking, “if Bad is hooking me up this dude he has got to be the one! He must be a DJ or someone artistic. Even better, he’ll be a fly hood dude who understands industry life versus real life. This is gonna be sweet!!”

Bad gave the guy my number and he eventually called. In the first 5 minutes of our conversation, I learned that “Q” owns his own real estate company, has at least one child, and has developed a relationship with some girl that lives in another state. But according to him, “that relationship will never go anywhere because she lives there and I live here. I already told her I’m not moving for her. I’m a bread-winner. If she wants to be with me she’ll have to move here!”
Mmmkay…
We talk a little longer and I tell him that I work for BET. This sparks an over-interest in Q. He starts to tell me that he has all of these pilots that he wants to develop, that he wants to come into the office and pitch, and that he’ll even be so kind as to let me write it for him. I just laugh at the arrogance of this dude and politely end our phone conversation.

The next day we text and I tell him to meet me at PF Chang’s for dinner. I of course have on my favorite ass jeans…ya’ll know the first wearers, to make objects bigger than they appear like a review mirror…anyway, as I am walking up to the door I see him in the waiting area and I’m thinking, “please don’t let this be him, please don’t let this be him. Damn it is. Heeeeeey”. First of all, this man don’t look a damn thing like Omar Epps…more like Omar Oopps! I give him a slight embrace and I quickly assess his outfit (don’t judge ladies, we all do it!!!) He is wearing a nice pinned stripped suit, Gucci hard bottoms, shiny gold cuff links and his initials are embroidered in his shirt…hmmm…(side note, I am always leery of men who over dress. I don’t know why, I just am…I believe simple goes a long way)
We take a booth and he seems over the fine dinning experience of PF Chang’s already. (lol)
He asks me “why did you choose this restaurant”, with a bit of snooty in his voice. I’m thinking, oh negro don’t get it twisted, clearly I could have severed your bank account with a trip to Mr. Chows, Yamashiro, or even Katana for that matter…I’m doing you a favor…but I graciously said, “Because its simple, I like simplicity”…hoping he would catch on to my round about reference to his purple italicized initials starring me in the face.

After he takes 3 unnecessary phone calls, he starts to pitch his pilot. The television show, which he knows will be a hit because he already has a fan base [ni**a please], is based on his life story. He starts at age 3.........

2 raspberry lemondrop martinis, appetizers, a main course, dessert offer from the waiter, and 2 full hours go by and this dude is still talking…
So far I have learned that he actually has 3 kids, an ex-wife, an ex-girlfriend whose children he takes care of, he’s an ex-con, daddy is a crack head, he tried to kill someone at Rally’s Burgers on Manchester, and he watched his sister get mauled by a dog …sounds like a typical story of any black dude growing up in LA to me (j/k).

I was disoriented by this time. I honestly thought that if I rammed my head into the glass window he wouldn’t even notice. I began to day dream about lying on the floor in the middle of the restaurant and just taking a nap…I bet he would still be talking when I woke up. I began to pray that the little devil from Hell Date would just pop out of nowhere and rid me of this misery.

I think he began to notice that I had tuned him out; so now after 2.5 hours he says, “I don’t want to tell you too much, I don’t want to bore you”. Are you F-ing kidding me??!! You just told me your whole got-damn, boring ass life story from the age of 3 til 33. NI**A I AM BORED!! But I just kindly said, “Oh no, that’s ok” Besides placing my order, I think those were the only four words that I uttered all night.

I hit him with the yawn and told him that I had a very early meeting the next day. Our date ended [thank you Jesus] and as soon as I got home I called Badru and cussed him out. I explained to him that I hated his eye whites and that our friendship was over (no really)! Badru, how is it that I talk to you every single day and you hook me up with a yee (yee is LA slang for herb or square).
Badru claims that he has someone better in mind for me.

YEAH RIGHT!!

NEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!