...AND ANOTHER ONE

So Badru is one of my BEST friends!! He & I talk every single day about absolutely nothing. If I’m in trouble, I call him. If I need some REAL advice, I call him. If I need someone kidnapped, thrown in the trunk, and tossed in a basement, I most definitely call him!! (For those of you who know “Bad” understand why).
Anywho, I always make jokes at him saying that he wants me to be single forever. (Kind of how Tony Montana felt about his little sister Gina) Bad swears this is not the case and said that he had the perfect guy for me. He had a friend who looked just like Omar Epps. OMAR EPPS??!! You mean my crush from the early 90’s til today?! Half my life I wanted DJ GQ (omar epps not kristopher cottrell).
“Ok”, I’m thinking, “if Bad is hooking me up this dude he has got to be the one! He must be a DJ or someone artistic. Even better, he’ll be a fly hood dude who understands industry life versus real life. This is gonna be sweet!!”

Bad gave the guy my number and he eventually called. In the first 5 minutes of our conversation, I learned that “Q” owns his own real estate company, has at least one child, and has developed a relationship with some girl that lives in another state. But according to him, “that relationship will never go anywhere because she lives there and I live here. I already told her I’m not moving for her. I’m a bread-winner. If she wants to be with me she’ll have to move here!”
Mmmkay…
We talk a little longer and I tell him that I work for BET. This sparks an over-interest in Q. He starts to tell me that he has all of these pilots that he wants to develop, that he wants to come into the office and pitch, and that he’ll even be so kind as to let me write it for him. I just laugh at the arrogance of this dude and politely end our phone conversation.

The next day we text and I tell him to meet me at PF Chang’s for dinner. I of course have on my favorite ass jeans…ya’ll know the first wearers, to make objects bigger than they appear like a review mirror…anyway, as I am walking up to the door I see him in the waiting area and I’m thinking, “please don’t let this be him, please don’t let this be him. Damn it is. Heeeeeey”. First of all, this man don’t look a damn thing like Omar Epps…more like Omar Oopps! I give him a slight embrace and I quickly assess his outfit (don’t judge ladies, we all do it!!!) He is wearing a nice pinned stripped suit, Gucci hard bottoms, shiny gold cuff links and his initials are embroidered in his shirt…hmmm…(side note, I am always leery of men who over dress. I don’t know why, I just am…I believe simple goes a long way)
We take a booth and he seems over the fine dinning experience of PF Chang’s already. (lol)
He asks me “why did you choose this restaurant”, with a bit of snooty in his voice. I’m thinking, oh negro don’t get it twisted, clearly I could have severed your bank account with a trip to Mr. Chows, Yamashiro, or even Katana for that matter…I’m doing you a favor…but I graciously said, “Because its simple, I like simplicity”…hoping he would catch on to my round about reference to his purple italicized initials starring me in the face.

After he takes 3 unnecessary phone calls, he starts to pitch his pilot. The television show, which he knows will be a hit because he already has a fan base [ni**a please], is based on his life story. He starts at age 3.........

2 raspberry lemondrop martinis, appetizers, a main course, dessert offer from the waiter, and 2 full hours go by and this dude is still talking…
So far I have learned that he actually has 3 kids, an ex-wife, an ex-girlfriend whose children he takes care of, he’s an ex-con, daddy is a crack head, he tried to kill someone at Rally’s Burgers on Manchester, and he watched his sister get mauled by a dog …sounds like a typical story of any black dude growing up in LA to me (j/k).

I was disoriented by this time. I honestly thought that if I rammed my head into the glass window he wouldn’t even notice. I began to day dream about lying on the floor in the middle of the restaurant and just taking a nap…I bet he would still be talking when I woke up. I began to pray that the little devil from Hell Date would just pop out of nowhere and rid me of this misery.

I think he began to notice that I had tuned him out; so now after 2.5 hours he says, “I don’t want to tell you too much, I don’t want to bore you”. Are you F-ing kidding me??!! You just told me your whole got-damn, boring ass life story from the age of 3 til 33. NI**A I AM BORED!! But I just kindly said, “Oh no, that’s ok” Besides placing my order, I think those were the only four words that I uttered all night.

I hit him with the yawn and told him that I had a very early meeting the next day. Our date ended [thank you Jesus] and as soon as I got home I called Badru and cussed him out. I explained to him that I hated his eye whites and that our friendship was over (no really)! Badru, how is it that I talk to you every single day and you hook me up with a yee (yee is LA slang for herb or square).
Badru claims that he has someone better in mind for me.

YEAH RIGHT!!

NEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

I'm Not The Only One!

So normally, I just inform you all on my dating antics. Not this week. I must tell ya’ll about my best friend, Miss My James. So My & Dione (my two best chicks since junior high days) are sitting in the car late Saturday night at a taco stand waiting for the “after the club vittles” when a cutie comes up to the car and asks for a light. My gives him a light and then continues to explain that it is unsafe to walk up to a strangers car in LA at 2 o’clock in the morning…well, what she really said was “Yo ass almost got shot walking up on my car like that!”. He was obviously smitten by her vast street knowledge and they exchanged numbers…

They talked on the phone a few times. He was giving my best friend the giggles with all the stuff he was talking. [keykeykeykey]
One night in a “let’s get to know each other” phone conversation, she tells him her favorite movie of all times is Lady Sings The Blues. The next day he calls her and says “Fed Ex just delivered your movie to my house”. O M G!!!!!!!!! He is sounding like a winner right? Read on….

They make a date to meet at his house and go back to the same taco stand where they met and come back home and watch the movie.

1: He has her waiting outside his house [at night] for over 10 minutes {side note: this dude stays off of Slauson and 60th Street…for all those not from LA, THAT IS THE HOOD!!!}

2: After they pick up the food, he asks her to make a “stop” on the way back…oh hell no!!!! What did you say you did for a living????

3: Sooo once My realized what he did for a living she began to ask questions. This fool tries to sell her some dope! OH HELL NO NEGRO!!! Do I look like a potential client?

4: They make it back to the house to watch Lady Sings The Blues and it’s a bootleg copy!!!!! WTF?????? How in the hell do you have a bootleg copy of old ass Lady Sings The Blues???!!!! Why are there people walking in front of the screen on this old ass movie?!!! (j/k)

Poor My. All I have is one thing to say…


NEEEEEXXXXXTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAWKWAAARD

Ok, so my girl Diamond tells me that she has a comedian friend that she’d like to hook me up with for the BDC (blind date challenge). So naturally I’m like “bring em on”. Now when I said “bring em on” I didn’t mean have him show up to the office unexpectedly on a bad hair, loafer shoe wearing day…

Whatever, my fabulousness trumped all teedness (teed means wack or tore up)…
So Diamond and…we’ll call this well known guy “G”…Diamond & G walk over to my office (aka cubicle) and it’s full of women. [Side note, it was Oprah’s Favorite Things episode so we were all watching in my cube]. G being a comedian, opens with a joke about the employees at BET watching Oprah, hence the content on the network. ‘Great Open’ I'm thinking. He introduces himself to me and all the girls and then the awkwardness begins.

Diamond for whatever reason literally runs away. Mimi pulls my intern away by saying “Come on Jennifer, lets go do that thing”. Francine says “I’m going to the other side of the building, no, the bathroom, yeah that’s right, I’m going to the bathroom”. WTF?!?!
This was THE most obvious and embarrassing moment. G and I just look at each other like, oookaaay.

Our graceless conversation continues about absolutely nothing. Our energy is now mixed with attraction yet an overwhelming sense of discomfort. Naturally he bails out. And apparently Diamond was waiting in the wings because she miraculously showed back up at my cube wanting ALL the details. THERE IS NO DETAILS DIAMOND…

All in all, there was no number exchange but word on the street (the street being Diamond) is that he thinks I’m “mad cute”. Ok Diamond, we are going to have to try this again. HOOK IT UP!

Who knew blind dating was so hard?!

Blind dates are currently pending with friends of Angela, Francine, and Carlyle

SECOND CHANCE

I have received a few phone calls and emails regarding Jake. It seems that some of you feel I should give this dude a second chance...HMPH!

Well, I was completely done with Jake... then he called and wanted to know why I haven't called him, etc, etc. So me being a snappy/sassy person, I naturally asked him why he was on the phone with me when he should be mending his relationship with the ex. Jake was so thrown off and confused that all my anger went out the door and this situation became funnier than the Vitametavegimin episode of I Love lucy.
Jake tells me that he never had plans of hooking up with his ex...it was a simple lunch...she's a great girl...its over...blah...blah...blah...
Who knows if he was feeding me the bull sh*t? But the tart taste of bull sh*t from a man is an all too familiar taste...this tasted a little different.
So whatever, I have given dude another chance and our last couple of dates have consisted of late night walks down Rodeo (drive, not road), poetry, and foot massages. So I guess Jake is still a contender.
But the Challenge is still on people!

*Shout out to the Dabnis Brickey Movement!!*

DATE #2

So my friend Shea introduced me to this guy named...let's just call him *Jake (that's right! No more real names will be used in this blog...we'll call it the D.Chaplin rule). Anywho, Jake was great. He made me laugh loud and he challenged me musically. Oh yeah, Jake is a rapper/actor (who will definitely remain nameless...so don't call me to ask). We talked Biggie, Slick Rick, Miles, and Maze. My kind of convo! So Jake invites me to his private listening session of his new album. I went. His music was great. We laughed. We clowned. And I left.

A few days passed, and after a bunch of silly text messages all ending in smiley faces we had an official 1st date. Our date started at the poetry lounge. Jake performed a phenomenal poem about God knows what and then we proceeded to watch the rest of the slammers. After the lounge we hit Jerry's Deli for late night fries and more conversation. Everything was great. We hugged, we held hands, along w/ other corny gestures (no kisses though) and our date ended. And then we sent text messages about absolutely nothing for the rest of the night...I'm thinking, what a great guy!!!!

Ok, enough of the BS...let's fast forward to yesterday! I get a message from him saying "Babe (that's right, Babe. Our great conversations graduated us to pet names in a very short time...Don't Judge) Babe, I had an eventful day. Call me". So naturally I'm thinking, oh he must have had a great studio session or he's booked for a film...negative. I call this Negro back and do you know what he told me?! "So I had lunch with my ex today", I just shook my head as I stood in the dairy section of Ralph's grocery store and prepared myself for the bull sh*t that I was about to be fed. "So I had lunch with my ex today. You know now that we're not arguing, I realize that's she's not such a bad person..." And blah blah blah blah blah!!! I wanted to say, "Well I had sex with mine 2 weeks ago and that doesn't make him a good person!!" [Sorry Mommy]

Shea, next time you decide to hook me up w/ someone, please make sure they are COMPLETELY single or at least ready to be. I'm to fab to be a rebound!

NEEEEXXXXXXXXXT!!!

DATE 1...well kinda

OK, so the blind date challenge is in full effect right now. My girl Mimi is really trying to work it out for me. She has been on her game trying to hunt down the perfect blind date for yours truly. But her first attempt was a bit unsuccesssful.
Last week Mimi tells me she has the perefect guy for me to meet. His name is Mike and he's an exec at a record label...sounds good so far. So Mimi and everyone's favorite assistant (soon to be mogul) Dominique were going to meet him for lunch and i should tag along and kind of scope him out.
The first thing I notice is the fact that he's wearing sunglasses in an empty dark restaurant (strike 1), but its LA...everyone wears sunglasses whether necessary or not.
The next thing I notice are his above-the-knee linen shorts and gucci loffers (strike 2) WTF?!...ok, maybe I'm being too judgemental...OMG, is that a boil growing out of his forehead or a pimple?!?!?!? Of course I notice all of this before he even opens his mouth to speak.
The lunch date/meeting/interview/scopping carries on and this dude is really cool. He's from around the way yet he's business savvy, he's funny but knows how to be serious when necessary....I'm thinking "go Mimi!"....then it happens....we start talking about being successsful and we start to give Dominique advice on her future moves (she's 21), etc, etc...then he says "that's what I tell my kids" HOLD ON! KIDS? Mimi says, "oh, you have children? how many?" "three" THREE?!!!! OH HELL NO!! "Mimi says in her extra polite yet nervous voice "aaww, thats nice. how old are they?" "20, 15, and 17 months" OH HELL NO!!! 20?!!?!? THIS MAN HAS BEEN F#*KIING FOR OVER 20 YEARS! I CAN'T DO NOTHING WITH THAT!

NEEEEXXXXXT!!

Nice try Mimi. But Mike is out!!!

THE CHALLENGE

Ok heffas, times are hard so I'm going to start a blind date challenge. mmm hmm, that's right! A blind date challenge! As some of us know, good brothas are hard to come by. Personally, I have a hard time in the dating circle lately. (Don't even ask!) I am very picky...but I LOVE to go out. So here's the deal, I am challenging each of you to send me out on a blind date with your guy of choice. I feel that you all know me well enough (or have spent enough time with me at work) to know what kind of guy I would get down with. And some of you have either tried to hook me up in the past or claim that you have some fabulous man waiting for me in the wings. I will report back to all of you after each date with a blog and such. HOWEVER, I will not go on a date with anyone w/o a picture first!

What am I looking for you ask:

1. He must know God...no Atheists please
2. He must have a career, not a job
3. He cannot live with his mother, auntie, baby's mother, grandma...you get the point
4. Please let him be attractive
5. He must have a car that can pass the California Smog Test

Those are the basics. So let me know what you all think of this idea and if you're willing to participate. And if it works well for me, maybe some of you other single ladies will give this a try.

SMOOCHES!