I'm Still Dating

I know its been a minute since I’ve written one of these blogs…let me explain why…YOU PEOPLE THINK THAT ITS SOOOO F-ING FUNNY WHEN MY DATES GO BAD THAT YOU’RE ONLY TRYING TO HOOK ME UP WITH WACK PEOPLE JUST SO YOU CAN HAVE A LAUGH. WTF?

(lol)

I’ve had someone tell me, “I’m gonna hook you up with this guy I know, he lies about everything. He’ll be perfect”…Perfect for whom?? Is he perfect because you know I'm gonna roast him on this blog and you’ll laugh your ass off? No ma’am. Its’08, I have no time for losers. I had someone else tell me, “I should hook you up with my cousin, I think he sells drugs. That’s not a problem is it?” What the F—k do you think? As fly as Elvira Hancock was (Michelle Pfeiffer, Scarface) the day of the D Boy is over!! You Feel Me?!?!?!

Moving on…yesterday I went out with a new guy. We’ll call this dude “AG”. AG was introduced to me by my co-worker Francine. AG is a marketing exec at Nike in Portland, has one child, and is probably about 10 years my senior…

After church, I met AG, Francine, and their other friend Jerry at Serving Spoon in Inglewood. They had already finished their meal so I basically just came to meet AG and join in the conversation. The moment I took a seat at the table I immediately gave him the once over. He’s a good looking guy (not typically my type but these days, straight & breathing are my type), he was dressed sort of “over 35 trendy”, and he kept his blackberry right next to him as if he were receiving calls every 30 seconds. I also noticed a very hairy chest (Dayum). I hate hairy chests. And not only was his chest hairy, but it was like salt & pepper hairy. There were quite a few grays on that chest and they were slowly creeping out of his V-Neck shirt right up his neck…GET THAT! Chest Hair maybe, but Neck hair is never ok. So after a lot of basketball & Nike conversation we finally left the restaurant and AG tells me “I want to go to a hat shop in Venice, you can come with me there”…thank you??

Maybe Francine sensed the awkwardness of the situation and offered to come with us. She followed in her car while I rode with Hairy, oops I mean AG in his ‘07 Mustang rental [side note, I think the new model Mustangs are very Metro Sexual, the late ‘90’s mustangs are very gay, and the classic Mustangs are just that, Classic…in other words, I didn’t know how I felt about his car rental choice]. Anywho, our conversation picks up on the way to Venice and he talked a lot about his world travels, extended stays in foreign countries, the fact that he’s lived in many cities, and that most of his family lives on the eastside (Eastside=Compton, Watts, Gardena, Lynwood, etc…most LA industry folks feel that claiming your eastside peeps makes you more “down”, whatevs). And of course he says all of this in a tone that I am very familiar with…that ‘oh you’re so young you’ve probably never left the state so let me explain to you how it is’ tone… So, I being such a lady, kindly let him explain foreign affairs to me, how it feels to fly for long periods of time, and what’s so great about Atlanta, New York, and Miami. (I always get a kick out of these conversations with men, they can be so simple sometime…no offense guys). He FINALLY asked me what I do for BET…well he actually said, “So do you assist at BET?” I just smiled with confidence and said, “Nope, I produce”. A quick look of shock took over his face and he said “Oh so you’re trying to do your thing over there”… “No honey, I am doing my thing! I’m not a PA, I’ve been at this for a minute” of course I didn’t say that…no need for me to be cocky!

I gently explained to this man that I too have been around the world and I am all too familiar with long flights, foreign foods, and have called New York, New Jersey, and Atlanta home. And on top of that, ALL of my family is from Compton!

He just said “Well I see the little eastside girl is doing her thing”. There was no need for me to respond to that.

We finally reach Abbott Kinney and the 3 of us walk down the street and peek into random shops and buy random things. After about an hour of this, Francine decides to abandon us and we stop at an Omelet bar so I could grab a bite. I of course order eggs with spinach & cheese and he orders a coffee. Now here’s the perfect opportunity for us to chat and share intellectual conversation but AG decides to spend this whole time talking to the young waiter who shares his name and graduated from his Alma Mauder. Whatevs, I’m over this date anyway. I’m now day dreaming about the new episode of The Wire that’s coming on in a couple of hours.

So my eggs arrive at the table and this dude starts dissing my food. “What is an egg exactly?” Now I’m annoyed. My face I’m sure is frowned a major way. “What?” I grunt. “How can you eat eggs? It’s an embryo. Who knows what that egg was gonna hatch into”. Is this ni99a crazy? Did he just say embryo while I’m eating?? And what does he mean, who knows what the egg was gonna hatch into?? It was gonna hatch into a chicken Dumb Ass!!! I hurry through my eggs so this foolery can end, I’m over this.

Finally we’re back in the car and he wants to make plans for later. I already know that I’m not interested, but I tell him that I’ll call him later anyway. He thinks about it for a second and then says, “Well you should hurry and let me know because I’m supposed to go to dinner with Mike Epps and his manager. Maybe I’ll bring you along” Ni99a please don’t name drop with me, that’ll get you no where. I just roll my eyes. He makes a call (on speakerphone of course) and tells his friend that he still wants to do dinner and that he may bring someone along. The guy on the other end of the phone has no clue what he’s talking about and rushes him off the line. I just giggle to myself at these Tool antics. (A Tool is someone who likes to show off and name drop; one who acts more important than they are).

At last, we arrive safely back to Inglewood where my car awaits and I give him a hug and tell him we’ll speak later. I jump in my car a speed off into the LA sunset.

Over all AG was a great guy, just not for the kid! Sorry Fran :(

NEEEEXXXXTTT!