ADVENTURES IN DATING

So, obviously I'm “regular” dating as well…meaning I'm not just waiting around for these wack ass blind dates that ya’ll are sending me on. I meet guys all the time, and I don’t have a problem giving guys a fair shot. But most times guys just don’t know what to say. Below are the top three ignorant ass statements that I’ve received recently.

1. I need to domesticate you (Um…)
2. You so fine, you look just like Omarion (as in Omarion from B2K? The boy?!?!?)
3. You’re face is perfect. I’d f@%k you from the front (I’m sure there was a compliment in there somewhere)

…So with all that said let me tell about the two latest dudes.

The first is a guy that I was crushing on EXTRA hard from my church. Most of you have heard me mention him because I swear it doesn’t get much finer than this man. Anywho, we’ll call this gent Church Boy. Now I was peeping Church Boy e’ry Sunday in church for the last couple of months and I never made a move…its church. I can’t give him “the look” at altar call…I am trying to get to heaven people!

Well he finally approached me. I swear we were making goo goo eyes at each other during praise & worship. Anyway, he walked up to me as I was exiting church and kept it very general. I explained to him that I was on my way to the airport to hop on a flight to ATL for the next 6 months. DAYUM!! Why would he approach me on the day I'm leaving…UGH…he gave me his number and after two full days I got up the nerve to call. We talked on the phone for three hours about absolutely nothing but absolutely everything. I found out that he is 40 (although he looks 30) and that he’s from St. Louis (shout out to Burgess & Hudlin). I told him all about me and everything seemed cool. Now there were a couple of times where he got a little snippy on the phone but I didn’t think anything of it. I’m just thinking, ok he’s pretty gangsta for no reason.

He calls me the next day and starts to tell me lame jokes that I don’t get and when I didn’t laugh he threatened to put his “foot up my mama’s ass”. I SAID SAY WHAT? Up who’s mama’s ass? Not my mama! Not D. Mills! Is this like the second part of the joke that I don’t understand? Who says that? Then he starts telling me some other random stuff that I couldn’t understand because his cheap ass Boost Mobile phone kept cutting out (where you at!). The man starts yelling at me and checking me because I couldn’t hear him. “Sweetie, you need to listen intently to what I’m saying”. Did this ni99a just call me sweetie in the ULTIMATE condescending tone?! OH HELL NO.

I ended that phone conversation with the quickness never to return.


SO WHO’S NEXT?

Picture it; circa 2005 I have a weeklong affair with a fine specimen of a man that I meet through a friend in NY and just happen to be cohabitating with (that’s too long of a back story to go into). Anywho, well I haven’t seen said specimen in almost three years when he calls me out of the blue a month ago. We’ll refer to this specimen as Breeze (because he thinks he’s so cool). Anyway, Breeze has some sort of an advantage over the rest of these dudes. We already know each other very well, we had to share the same living space for a sec, and its something about him that just makes me melt…he knows this…its no secret. Anyway, I took a quick trip down memory lane this past weekend as he flew me out to NYC for a visit. Everything was great, until…

Hmmm…

How do I say it…

Let’s just say men need to learn how to clean up after previous chicks before the new ones come around!
I get ready to get in the shower on Saturday morn and I’m cleaning out the tub (because dudes are just nasty, I need a fresh shower)…I pull back the damn shower curtain and what do I see? A bottle of Summer’s Eve wash! So me being me, I just start laughing. And then I look up and see two loofa sponges. So I'm like, ok…it was one thing that this negro didn’t go grocery shopping to have some soy milk for my cereal, there was no toilet paper the WHOLE weekend, I had to wipe my ass with Bounty and on top of all that he didn’t clean up after the last bitch! SERIOUSLY!! WTF?!?!?!?

So I close the curtain and walk into the living room and say, “So how’s that vaginal itch treating you?” Naturally he looks confused. “what?” he says with an attitude. “Your vaginal itch, how’s that working out for you? And your loofas, are they exfoliating your skin properly?” he just looks at me as if I’m speaking Russian “whats a loofa?” I just walk away and say “that’s what I thought”. OF COURSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A LOOFA IS BECAUSE YOU DON’T USE LOOFAS….BITCHES DO!

I proceed to take my shower, get dressed and we go to lunch. While at lunch I kindly tell him “you know whats funny about bitches, and when I say bitches I mean female dogs, not women. Bitches love to mark their territory. They’ll squat everywhere they go. Real women don’t need to leave evidence of their presence, its just felt” He caught on IMMEDIATELY and just grinned at my approach and sincerely explained that those toiletries belonged to an “old friend” that he hadn’t spoken to in over a month. MMM HMM. WHATEVER. I carried on with our weekend and left all of the puppy’s toiletries in place. And I made sure that I took ALL of my belongings. No hairs in the sink. No scent on the sheets…BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT REAL BITCHES DO.

You gotta love these adventures in dating!